On Wanting Counterbalance

Or, "I talk a lot about relationships for someone who's never actually been in one".

One of the few good things about being single, if there even are any good things, is that it gives one a lot of time to contemplate things. That's part of why this blog happened in the first place (that and the fact that my mother was starting to get sick of listening to these rants). And one of the things I've realized more and more is that I know exactly what I need in an eventual endgame Person. Only problem is, it's not something that'll be easy to find.

Another great thing about not having my Person yet is it gives me too much time to overanalyze media. More specifically, what I'm drawn to and why. One of the things I've spent time on over about the last year is the concept of parallel girls - fictional ladies I see myself in all too well. And one of the interesting facets of that is that I seem to ship those ladies with a very specific type.

(Interlude for those of you who don't play on the fandom side of the internet: shipping = as the name suggests, liking the romantic relationship between two characters. Said characters don't have to actually have that sort of relationship in the source material, but most of the ships that have contributed to the material that follows are canon, which means that they do.)

Really, I go for this sort of thing regardless of whether or not the lady is actually a parallel girl for me. Counterbalance ships - pairings where the two characters balance each other out almost perfectly - have been my great weakness ever since I first got involved in fandoms when I was a little babybug. They're so interesting. And over the last few months, I've realized and accepted that the reason I find that dynamic so appealing in fiction is because it's what I'm aiming for in real life. And finally, finally, I am accepting that.

This, I realize now that I'm not trying to avert it, is why online dating does not work for me. Online dating, from my on-and-off experiences with it, is about matching people who have a lot in common. For me, this is a problem. I don't want to be with someone who's just like me. If anything, I want someone wildly different. I want someone who I will never fully understand and who I will always be fascinated by. And I want them to see the same in me.

In some ways, I'm pretty sure that's weird. In some ways, I'm probably making my own journey harder. But honestly, I'm not sure I care.

I want the sort of love that I idealize, quiet and passionate and sacrificial. I am at peace with the idea of often needing to reassure my Person that they are enough for me, because they will be even on the days they don't see it. I'm not expecting things to be easy - I know myself, I know that's not going to happen. But still I want, and still I wait.

Song of the day - "Everything Has Changed (featuring Ed Sheeran)", Taylor Swift.