Monday, June 8, 2015
Saturday, June 6, 2015
The Perks Of Fluid Identity
I've been learning a lot about myself this year.
This is funny because, as some of y'all know, last year was a major dev year for me. And, in my innocence, I thought that meant 2015 was going to be the results of said dev. Um... no. At least not yet. We still have half the year to go, and I have randomly turned into a very hopeful person, but... even I'm not betting on that right now. This year is another dev year, and that's okay. I think.
One of the big things I'm learning is that I'm a very fluid person... and that's okay.
I'm not sure what I mean by that yet. I'm not sure I'll ever fully know (another important thing I'm learning right now is how to accept uncertainty, which is fricking hard for my current wiring). But it's definitely a thing, and it's a thing I'm trying to use for survival.
I guess I've done this for a while. A few months back, my friend Miranda pointed out that I pick outfits and makeup like I'm putting on a mask, and as much as it killed me to admit it at the time... she had a point. I prepare my look based on who I need to be for a given situation and/or who I want other people to see me as. Sometimes, this means zero makeup (mascara doesn't count unless it's the super-super-volumising kind, and lip balm is a requirement for being human) and a t-shirt and knit skirt and flip-flops. Sometimes, this means red lipstick and eyeliner and a very fitted dress and... okay, generally flip-flops with that too, but I'd be wearing heels if my ankle wasn't screwed up. I don't have a default personal style because I'm so driven by mood and situation, and I've been that way for a while.
Recently, my fluidity expanded to names. I have never liked my legal name. Part of that stemmed from the fact that I share it with someone who was utterly terrible when we were young kids (she's become a much better person in the ten years since I stopped having to interact with her on the regular, but she successfully convinced everyone we knew when we were eight that my family was moving to West Virginia - based on an overheard convo, for the record, she wasn't malicious so much as misguided - and that was an interesting childhood trauma). There's more to it than that, but I dunno what the rest of it is. Point being... actually changing my name is not gonna happen because paperwork and fees and whatnot, but I'm not Alyssa most of the time. I'm really not. And maybe I'm a couple of different people, again dependent on the situation, and I'm learning who those personas are.
One of them, I think I have down. I've been going to a new church for the last two months and it's basically everything I hoped for, and I've started telling people my name is Nora there. That's who I want to be there. It's a pretty name for a pretty young woman in hiding, tragic past and hopeful heart and all. Eventually I'll probably have to explain that to a few people there - I'm exploring opportunities in ministry, so I'll definitely have to mention the disconnect at some point. But for now, that's who I am in that space, and being someone slightly different feels really really good.
I don't think that's the only part of it, though. Sectioning my personality into different identities is... probably a symptom of something, honestly, but it makes me feel better. I'm very conscious of what I'm doing, and I'm doing what I need to do for me. It's a weird coping mech, but it's the current state of things.
I've never been sure who I am at any given moment, but I'm trying to see the beauty in that. I'm trying to survive. I'm gonna be okay.
Song of the day - "Stardust", Lifehouse.
This is funny because, as some of y'all know, last year was a major dev year for me. And, in my innocence, I thought that meant 2015 was going to be the results of said dev. Um... no. At least not yet. We still have half the year to go, and I have randomly turned into a very hopeful person, but... even I'm not betting on that right now. This year is another dev year, and that's okay. I think.
One of the big things I'm learning is that I'm a very fluid person... and that's okay.
I'm not sure what I mean by that yet. I'm not sure I'll ever fully know (another important thing I'm learning right now is how to accept uncertainty, which is fricking hard for my current wiring). But it's definitely a thing, and it's a thing I'm trying to use for survival.
I guess I've done this for a while. A few months back, my friend Miranda pointed out that I pick outfits and makeup like I'm putting on a mask, and as much as it killed me to admit it at the time... she had a point. I prepare my look based on who I need to be for a given situation and/or who I want other people to see me as. Sometimes, this means zero makeup (mascara doesn't count unless it's the super-super-volumising kind, and lip balm is a requirement for being human) and a t-shirt and knit skirt and flip-flops. Sometimes, this means red lipstick and eyeliner and a very fitted dress and... okay, generally flip-flops with that too, but I'd be wearing heels if my ankle wasn't screwed up. I don't have a default personal style because I'm so driven by mood and situation, and I've been that way for a while.
Recently, my fluidity expanded to names. I have never liked my legal name. Part of that stemmed from the fact that I share it with someone who was utterly terrible when we were young kids (she's become a much better person in the ten years since I stopped having to interact with her on the regular, but she successfully convinced everyone we knew when we were eight that my family was moving to West Virginia - based on an overheard convo, for the record, she wasn't malicious so much as misguided - and that was an interesting childhood trauma). There's more to it than that, but I dunno what the rest of it is. Point being... actually changing my name is not gonna happen because paperwork and fees and whatnot, but I'm not Alyssa most of the time. I'm really not. And maybe I'm a couple of different people, again dependent on the situation, and I'm learning who those personas are.
One of them, I think I have down. I've been going to a new church for the last two months and it's basically everything I hoped for, and I've started telling people my name is Nora there. That's who I want to be there. It's a pretty name for a pretty young woman in hiding, tragic past and hopeful heart and all. Eventually I'll probably have to explain that to a few people there - I'm exploring opportunities in ministry, so I'll definitely have to mention the disconnect at some point. But for now, that's who I am in that space, and being someone slightly different feels really really good.
I don't think that's the only part of it, though. Sectioning my personality into different identities is... probably a symptom of something, honestly, but it makes me feel better. I'm very conscious of what I'm doing, and I'm doing what I need to do for me. It's a weird coping mech, but it's the current state of things.
I've never been sure who I am at any given moment, but I'm trying to see the beauty in that. I'm trying to survive. I'm gonna be okay.
Song of the day - "Stardust", Lifehouse.
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