On Survival Methods

Or, "this is how I get through events without getting into (major) trouble".

One of my friends is getting married in a week. This is objectively awesome, half because Trin and her person are perfect for each other and half because as of me writing this, it's the only wedding I know I have to go to this year. This is good in ways there aren't words for - one of the women I work with has said I go to more weddings than anyone else she's ever known. (Explaining that people who grew up in the homeschool bubble tend to get married young did not help my case.) Last year, I went to six - five of which my mother was convinced we wouldn't be invited to. And the thing about doing something that many times is that one develops ways of getting through it intact. Here's how I do it, in no real order:

STEP ONE - acquire a really awesome dress
The thing about being a single lady-type of marriageable age on the wedding circuit is that you have to look good. This is one of those unspoken things that the Bubble in particular is really, really good at. The expectations are high enough that my sister has worn dresses in public voluntarily, something none of us thought would ever happen (mind you, trying to "help" her find acceptable dresses is probably a circle of hell, but now is not the right place for that rant). Someone in my position has to look perfect or else most of the middle-aged women will talk. Most of them will talk anyways, but it's best to try to get their approval.

Point being, the dress - and it has to be a dress (I'd honestly love to see a woman under 40 try to wear pants to a Bubble wedding, the fallout would be epic) - is the key part of any outfit. Everything else has to be planned around it. So, the dress has to be perfect. (Yeah, I'm using a lot of italics in this post. I think of that as the text equivalent of talking with my hands, which is one of the bad habits I'm trying to kick but y'know.) The dress has to be a good color, have an acceptable neckline and length, and... honestly, whether or not it's comfortable is a lesser concern. This is just as well because I end up ordering my dresses online. Modcloth is kinda the best thing ever, especially the clearance page because... honestly, the selection there is pretty awesome for my size (women's large, which one would think would be impossible but oddly isn't). Except that sometimes I eyeball things wrong. But I live with the consequences. I ignore, for instance, how much I loathe side zippers (srsly, dresses do not need them, especially if there's a seam down the middle of the back anyways). I make sure I look cute. Because whether anyone will outright say it or not, that's the expectation.

STEP TWO - liveblog everything
Weddings simultaneously bring out the best and worst in everyone. This is a fact that can probably be backed up with statistics (which I am too lazy to look up but whatev). On the one hand, you are not allowed to act like a terrible person at a wedding because... well, it just doesn't happen. Weddings are supposed to be a safe zone. (Some people ignore this, but I'll get to that later in this post.) On the other hand, everyone is manic. I have seen the calmest people I've ever known turn into borderline disasters. The first wedding of 2014 involved a family I've known since I was tiny who are, every last one of them, easy-going on a level that really should not be possible for human beings. Even they were a bit... gah, I dunno if frazzled is actually the right word, but somewhere close at least. These are the only people I've seen get through a funeral with dignity completely intact. Weddings make people interesting.

So... liveblogging. This is one of the great things about smartphones and knowing how to effectively use Tumblr on them. (This is also why I kinda miss my old phone that had a keyboard bit. Next weekend will be my first time attempting to liveblog an event on a touchscreen device and I'm kinda panicking because touchscreens and I do not get on.) Hey, I may not be having fun, but at least a few lovely people in various far-away locations are amused by my misfortunes.

STEP THREE - bring earplugs
This is something I forget to do, so I'm putting it on the list so I remember to do it. (Which means finding my good earplugs that I haven't actually seen since firework season ended. Mrow.) My dad does research on this stuff, I really should be better at, y'know, always having a good set in my purse or whatev. But no. I fail at this.

The reason earplugs are useful is not, as one might initially think, because weddings are loud. Weddings are not loud. Weddings are, surprisingly, not a sensory nightmare for me. No, earplugs are good because weddings mean questionable music. There are several songs that reliably make me cry and, without fail, I will inevitably hear at least one of them. The worst one, for reasons I am not sure I want to know, is Brooke Fraser's "The Thief". (If you're not familiar with that gem, go listen to it here.) It's one of those songs. I so much as think I hear it and I snap. And while crying at weddings is apparently acceptable... lonely bitey single-girl crying, not so much.

STEP FOUR - avoid the tinies
Again, wedding #1 of 2014 is involved here. Sufficient to say, one of the bride's younger brothers had too much sugar or something (or just raw energy, nine-year-old boy are like that) and decided it was cute to pop a bunch of balloons. Most of them in the hands of other small children. Which was cute until he tried to get the flower girl, who... I'm not sure if she actually hit him, but she definitely tried. Moral of the story - tiny humans are to be avoided at formal events because none of them want to be there, they will be sugar-high, and they are dangerous little beasties. (This is why anyone under the age of twelve is banned from my future wedding, with a few possible exceptions but... I don't get people who bring their flocks of tinies to events like that. They don't know what's going on, they're loud, and they cause problems. Doesn't make sense!!)

STEP FIVE - wear comfortable shoes
This should be obvious. This should be a general life tip. Unfortunately, fancy shoes are weird. If one happens to have ginormous feet like I do, things are not pretty. Basically, if it has sharp anything on it or if it's a size too small, not worth it. I should know better. (I should figure out what happened to my good heels, now that I'm thinking about it. I'm gonna need them next weekend. And floral fishnets because I am a lady.)

STEP SIX - have a panic buddy
Ideally, this should be someone who is also at the event and in the same boat of "lone wolf, either doesn't know or doesn't like the majority of the people present, and willing to put up with random hissing and side-eyeing of everyone". Unfortunately, I tend to have a fifty-fifty chance of actually having this person (my childhood bestie is an angel for the number of rants she's put up with, most of which begin with "why did someone ever think of wearing that in public?!"). Less ideal scenario, text someone. Preferably someone who will not encourage bad ideas (which means as much as I may want to, my friend Miranda is off-limits for this sort of thing because that woman's version of "advice" leads to further bad life choices and... as you will see, I do that enough on my own). Preferably someone who doesn't know anyone involved and will therefore be that much more amused by their shenanigans, but for me that's a given. Find a damn panic buddy and message them instead of lashing out at people who are still on speaking terms with your mother - it works.

STEP SEVEN - if anyone asks you personal questions, just... don't
This is where the aforementioned bad life choices kick in. In case you haven't figured it out, my verbal filter doesn't exist. If it seems like a good idea at the time, I go with it, and bonus points if that involves people who already dislike me. But... sometimes I don't even have to talk myself into a hole. Sometimes the other person basically digs it themself and then pushes me in.

As a general rule, if you're at a wedding and you know the person you're talking to is unhappily single, that is the worst possible time to give them dodgy advice and/or be condescending. This should be basic human instinct. It isn't.

I'm going to spare y'all the rant about how obnoxious Young Marrieds are capable of being because honestly, this isn't the right place for it. I really am trying to be a good person. That being established, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. One person in particular is really, really good at crossing them. I will leave it at that, be the better person, and learn to avoid her (and other similar people) at events from here until forever.

So there you have it. Maybe not a great survival guide, but it works. Whatever gets me through, y'know??