On Being Brave

Or "people are finally seeing me as I am and I'm STILL freaking out."

Last night I had three conversations with three totally different people that all ultimately ended up being about the same thing - how brave I am. Technically there might've been a fourth one, but that got sidetracked by my tendency to inflict too much personal information on people I barely know (thankfully, the girl I was talking to seemed pretty cool with it - I mean, we'll see if she still wants to be anywhere near me next time our social schedules overlap, but she didn't exactly tell me to shut up and she reads as the sort of person who would and I adore her for it). Point being, as a recurrent theme, that one was weird - and totally not my doing, and freaking me out enough that I'm writing about it here twelve hours later. Yay.

The first convo was with a childhood friend and that's all I'm going to say about who she is 'cause despite being the person unintentionally responsible for about 80% of my self-image issues (no one would ever be as good as she was, no one ever said as much but everyone in my era knew darn well), I can't totally hate her. Believe me, I've tried. Lately, I ignore her when we're in the same place because "if I can't see them then they don't exist" is a TOTALLY sensible way of dealing with problem people (I do this at work sometimes, it's weird but it keeps me out of trouble so I guess it's working). But if the other person initiates something, I go with it. And she did. We were standing in the same general area and that woman is talkative. And somehow it came up that she had no idea where I currently work despite me having been there for over a year (I guess me not posting about it on FB - *ever* - might be somehow involved), and I offhand mentioned that while I've been having some minor people problems, it's nowhere near as bad as my last job. So, naturally, childhood friend pointed out that she could never do something like that and I'm so brave for lasting as long as I did.

For the record, the job in question was in a shopping-mall food court place and I lasted a year and a half before the combination of distance and one major human problem that I couldn't do anything about led to me quitting. I was not brave (unless one is really into the fact that I did not intentionally physically hurt myself during that time period).

Second convo happened a few hours later on Tumblr. For some reason, currently because of the main show I am no longer watching because the fandom took a nice trip into hell (someday I need to do a post on how to tactfully have a ship war because I've seen it done without any guilt-tripping before but the above situation is above and beyond), I seem to have attracted a flock of adorable teenage girls who are in the same situation I was in at around that age. Homeschooled, sheltered, and using online fandom interaction as an outlet. (For those of you who thought I was a terror in high school - believe me, if I hadn't discovered the glory of FFnet when I was fifteen and begun using TV shows as a way of getting through my actual life, it could've been sooo much worse.) Obviously, I am the first person to point out that I'm really not a good role model for anyone, EVER, but if the little bugs are convinced I am, that's on them and I'll try to be helpful where I can. I've had a few cool internet older sister figures, and it's only right that I keep the cycle going, yeah?

Anyways, I was talking to one of those girls - convo started with something else, but it spiraled into talking about Former Main Fandom (let's call it that, it's the only show I've actually posted about on this blog if anyone's desperate enough to poke around in my archives) and more specifically, why a particular character is Really Interesting. (That's another post I need to do here. A revamped version of the EXISTENT post on that subject. And... something I'm never going to be over.) Short version, that particular fictional lady resonates with me because of similar backgrounds, and apparently I'm not the only one who sees that. Then the convo detoured a little bit into me talking about my background, and it basically ended with the girl I was talking to telling me that I am a SURVIVOR.

Well... duh. As far as I know, that's the only word in the English language that accurately describes who I am after all of my experiences. (A post I will definitely not write - the fine line between "victim" and "survivor" and how sometimes those can be used interchangeably.)

Then the third convo happened. By this point, it's a little past midnight and my brain is in some absolutely lovely places, and... again, Tumblr is a beautiful place. In need of distraction from OTHER things that happened last night (which will be explained shortly), I started messing around with tattoo design again. I now definitely know what my next one is going to look like and where on my body I'm getting it put. So I posted about that, because talking about anything other than my epic communication failure was absolutely necessary, and then one of my friends talked at me. Apparently she wasn't aware of my existent tattoo, which is weird because she was definitely around when that one happened, and she randomly told me that I was brave for actually going through with it.

Um... no. Being the nervous trainwreck that I am, I spent days looking at pain charts before that one happened, and y'all should know that the one thing all of them (and there are about six good ones I found on Pinterest) say is that lower thigh is about the least painful possible place. This is accurate. I did not feel anything, good bad or otherwise. That is not brave. That is slightly impulsive and reckless.

I guess the reason I'm being so hard on myself is because on a certain level, last night was a disaster. I went to a thing with the intention of talking to a beautiful boy, and... I didn't, because there were too many people and I don't know how to begin a convo with someone I know in passing (in that weird way everyone knows everyone because Cincinnati is a fishbowl) and don't have anything in common with. That's why I'm so curious, but it's not making things easier for me. I convinced myself that I was going to do something, and then I DIDN'T, and I'm so mad at myself for it. I know I shouldn't be - what will happen will happen, and at least I am definitely on radar now and that's progress for me - but I am. Because again, I'm not good enough, and again, I'm not strong enough, and again, I'm a bit disaster. Some things never change.

I'll get through it, though. Last night wasn't even an active setback so much as... a pause, I guess. My heart's still fluttering terribly, and we'll see where that leads if it leads anywhere at all. I'll be okay. I always am.

Song of the day - "Marchin' On", OneRepublic.

On How To Practice Selfcare (Things I Didn't Learn In The Bubble, episode two)

Or, "find little things that make you feel human and cling to them".

The last post I did got me thinking about things. This always happens, and 90% of the time I don't go anywhere with that because... well, as you can all see, my attention span sucks. But I've been stuck on things that probably should've been in that post, and one of the most important ones is selfcare. Bby!me really did not know what selfcare was. For those of you who aren't active in certain online communities... my understanding of it is that selfcare is little things one needs to do to keep fighting. The important word there is little. It's not supposed to be big or dramatic, and finding good methods is a very individual process, but for people coming out of bad situations, it can be everything. So, because apparently I'm into list posts this month, here are a few of my selfcare essentials:

• Bath bombs. Srsly. They're amazing. Probably the priciest thing I'll suggest here - on average, about seven dollars for a single-use thing the size of a baseball - but so, so worth using once a month or so. You can get them on Etsy or elsewhere online in almost every scent imaginable (though I still have yet to find somewhere that has a black orchid one, sigh) and they also make your skin wonderfully squishy for a day or two afterwards and it is amazing.
• Raspberry tea. Or tea in general, because there's something about that process that's inherently calming, but I've read in various places that raspberry is like a natural reset button for uteruses soooo. It works, I swear. (Especially with lots of milk and sugar, but maybe that's just me.)
• Lavender and peppermint scented anything. Maybe not together, I dunno if I've found that combination in anything, but both of those are calming and wonderful. Also I think I read somewhere that the scent of peppermint helps make headaches go away, so that's awesome too.
• A TV show you identify with. This is where I veer a little away from your normal self-care posts because... well, this is a thing for me. I process my life through fictional characters, and that can be really helpful. Some advice - don't go looking too hard, stuff will find you and not the other way around. Or ask a few people you trust if there are any characters you remind them of and go from there. That can be fun. (Of course, depending on your people, they could well tell you things you already know. Which... is not something I'm entirely over and not something I am allowed to post about for another three weeks because Reasons.)
• A TV show you totally don't identify with. Because sometimes the point of selfcare is to distract from your problems, and I am convinced that is why trashy teen dramas were originally created, and that is all I am going to say on the matter.
• A pet who likes attention. In my case, my cat. You look at her for more than two seconds and she'll roll over and give you this "pet me. NOW." look and nobody can resist it. Believe me, I've tried. It's impossible. Affectionate unconditional furry creatures make life so much better.

Song of the day - "Forget", Marina and The Diamonds.

On Things I Would Tell My Seventeen-Year-Old Self

Or, "this is not the path I expected my life to take but I'm finally getting to the point where the journey looks absolutely beautiful in hindsight".

It hit me this morning, as I was driving my little sister to work (all important realizations happen in my car), that my story is actually pretty awesome. Six months ago, I would not have been able to say that, but I guess I'm starting to realize that everything I've been through has made me a pretty amazing person. This whole self-confidence thing is still new and vaguely terrifying, but what gets me is that where I am right now is completely different from where I thought I'd be at this point in my life four years ago. It's also different from where everyone else thought it would be, and... honestly, it's a good place. Not quite my ideal scenario, but it's still beautiful.

That being said, there are a few things I would tell my seventeen-year-old self that would've made a lot of this so much easier. Most of them are very specific to situations I was in this time four years ago; some, however, are general life advice for the teenage girls who may or may not be reading this blog (and I know at least one of my sister's friends at least occasionally looks at this calamity so it's not a total waste of my time to write this up). You guys can figure out what's what. Here goes:

• That boy you think you love is going to betray you in a way you never thought possible because you don't yet know that mixed-gender friendships are even biologically possible. He is not in love with you, nor will he ever be. You are his quiet rebellion, nothing more, and the day you realize that will be one of the most painful days of your life. There is no way to brace for this sort of pain; you just need to fight through it.
• You are a SURVIVOR. These wars you fight with the world and yourself will only make you stronger. One day you will look back and understand the meanings of your scars.
• The darkness you feel sometimes has a name. You're going to get help for it after the first time you nearly let it take you. Eventually, sweet one, it's going to end completely for reasons that you won't understand at the time (and maybe you never will). You're still in for a very long three years, but you'll get through it.
• College is not your path. You already know this, but you're being good because it's what's expected of you and it's going to take missing finals week the spring of your second year because you're recovering from three days in a psych ward before anyone else agrees with you on this. That's going to be a turning point for you, and even your dad won't fight it too much.
• Speaking of which, as much as you hate him right now, you're going to end up having a better relationship with him than your mother. Maybe he's not a better person in the grand scheme of things, but he's very upfront. He doesn't manipulate people. Your mother... is probably not aware of all that she does, but that doesn't stop her from doing it. You'll learn to work around this.
• In general, working around problems is better than trying to solve them. At least when those problems are of the human variety. Humans cannot be fixed no matter how much you wish otherwise.
• You're going to realize that you think girls are pretty too, in a different way than boys are but still a significant way, and that's not going to be anywhere near as much of a battle as you initially think. Your little puppy crushes on girls are never going to be acted on, not like the things you feel for boys, but they're still a part of you. Attraction is what it is. Your Person is still probably a guy, but thinking that girl at work is really cute is still okay.
• You're going to get out of the Bubble. You're going to find the strength to assert yourself and put distance where it's needed and you're going to blossom so much once those people are not in your life on the regular.
• Despite what certain people say, you will not be the first girl of your era to get married. You will stand and watch as half of your era finds love in places you do not understand, you will be completely neutral on all of those situations, and life will go on. People will be cruel to you about your involuntary lone-wolf status, but you'll learn how to deal with them without causing a scene. You're the better person in those situations. You'll be okay.
• How neutral you are, however, will not affect the fact that you will still cry at some point during every wedding you attend. And there are going to be a lot of weddings.
• You already know that you will not get your first kiss by age eighteen. You will definitely not check off all of your physical firsts by twenty-one. You will learn to be... maybe not okay with that, but understanding of the fact that what lies ahead of you will make all of this awful waiting make sense.
• You're going to flutter for a lot more people. For a while, your type will remain "emotional range of a cactus and uses you for advice on wooing emotionally manipulative blonde pixies". Then it'll turn to "guys with sweet girlfriends who you usually know". Then... well, it's anyone's guess where the journey will lead from there, but despite the number of times you get your heart broken by boys who never even wanted you, you'll still have hope that your Person is out there somewhere.
• You're not what anyone wants you to be, but that's their loss.
• You're going to see elements of your story reflected in places you never would've expected and it's going to break your heart, but you're going to use that to get out. You are every bit as amazing as the fictional ladies you will cling to because real-life role models are impossible for you. Their stories will give you strength to keep writing yours.
• Someday the sappy love songs won't hurt. This will happen before you have someone in your life who gives them meaning. It's weird, but it's also really awesome.
• Domesticity isn't the horror story you think it is now. You're going to change your mind about eventual marriage and tiny humans and it's going to have nothing to do with your background and everything to do with your blossoming sense of self.
• Your awkward phase is going to die a dramatic death on New Year's Eve when you get bored and shave your head. That's another turning point, another new beginning.
• You are a SURVIVOR. Those four words need to be repeated over and over and over because they are so true. You are a SURVIVOR and all of the bad things that have happened to you, all of the bad things that will happen to you, will only make you that much stronger. You are a phoenix; rise and rise again from your ashes, each time that much more glorious.

Song of the day - "This Is What Makes Us Girls", Lana Del Rey.

On Redefining Myself

Or, "right now I'm doing things for ME... and that's okay".

Coming out of a depressive spiral is the weirdest thing. I've already posted a lot about that, but I'm not sure how to write about the last month or so because I'm not sure how it happened. There was no great reason for the fact that one morning I woke up and didn't feel the familiar crushing weight of the last eight years. It just... happened, and while that's obviously one of the best things that's ever happened to me, it does present a few problems. Like, who exactly am I now and how do I go about becoming the woman I want to be??

I guess it doesn't help that I was an awkward thirteen-year-old when the spiral started. I hadn't had time to figure out who I was before the dark clouds took my life. And now here I am, twenty-one and totally unsure of my identity and I hate being unsure of things. I like knowing where I stand in situations. It's why attraction is a weird concept for me (and we'll get to that later in this post, unfortunately that's decided to be a problem for me again) and why being around volatile people is bad for me. And why I'm now in this very weird place that, for the life of me, I cannot find any solutions to.

Thing is, I know who I want to be someday. That's progress. I have an end goal... which, because a lot of it rests on things I have absolutely no control over, will probably take years to happen. It's the waiting that kills me, the disaster of not knowing who I need to be in the meantime. If things play in my favor, I'm pretty sure of who I'll need to be in five years. Right now, on the other hand?? Not a clue.

There are good things about this place I'm in, though. One of the best ones is that at this point in my life, my great priority is myself. In the future, when I find my Person and we (hopefully) have tiny humans, that won't be an option. From what little experience I've had, the way I love is very sacrificial, and I will drop everything when given reason enough. I don't think my darling is going to know what hit them, honestly. So maybe it's good that I have this blank time, because I can do silly things for me and it's okay. I can be interested in fashion and makeup and spend a little too much money on those things now and it's okay. I'm doing it for me, because while my confidence is definitely internal, I want to be pretty. I want to be noticed and remembered. And right now, it's okay.

If anything, the fashion thing is freeing for me. I've never had any huge insecurities about my body - a miracle considering that one of the soundtracks of my teenage years was my mother's epic series of well-intentioned but doomed-from-the-start "diets" - but I definitely did not think of myself as attractive until recently. Call it a side-effect of growing up around a lot of traditionally pretty blonde chicks (and living with one, gah). I have a perfect hourglass shape and that did not register with me at all until like six months ago. Add in the fact that I'm normally very low-maintenance and... really, the fact that I'm consciously trying to develop a Look is a bit surprising. But it's happening, slowly, and I'm liking the results. After some brainstorming with one of my friends, who is very supportive of this project, I decided on "postapoc warrior fairy princess" as what I'm aiming for. It's a bit weird on paper; in reality, it's a lot of layers and neutral // earth colors and pretty basic pieces. More importantly, it reflects who I'm trying to be. I'm sick of invisibility. I want to be remembered, and this is a step forward.

I mentioned attraction a little earlier as part of this current whatever-this-is, and... yeah, that kinda happened. I'm fluttery for about the first time in a year, and without saying too much (because this hit three days ago and I am panicking and also the other person barely knows I exist soooo), it's very different from the other times I've fluttered. I don't know this one all that well - we've known each other in passing for years, as people do in small communities and smaller social circles, but I am 95% sure we've never actually talked - but I have hope. This one, from what little I know about them, is everything my little heart has ever longed for. And, more importantly at the moment, this one is getting handled differently. In the past, I've been too assertive with my affections - which was just as well, got the heartbreaks over with that much quicker, but it's still something that apparently intimidates most guys. This time, I'm trying not to go there. Getting on radar is one thing, and a few initiations are possible, but I have no expectations and no plans. There's definitely the part of my brain that kicks in at times like this and says that guys like that never notice girls like me, but exceptions happen. Human beings don't always follow the usual script. A girl can hope, and I am letting myself have this too because even if nothing comes of it, even if I am invisible once again, I am letting my heart run where it will and following my instincts where they lead me. And it's okay.

Song of the day - "Shine", Vienna Teng.