Or, "this is me leaving behind everything I know to embrace the better unknown".
None of this is my fault.
It's not my fault that everyone I grew up with has turned out elitist and bubble-minded. It's not my fault that I woke up and they didn't. It's not my fault that none of them ever even tried to reach out to me, because even though I was everything they were, I was never good enough. It's not my fault I'll never be good enough for them.
Who can blame me for wanting to run?
I need to breathe. I need to find people who see me, not the lone single chick, not the dangerous anomaly, me. I need to go somewhere where people actually put their yowling tinies in the childrens' programs and there isn't an unspoken competition of who has the most kids (I wish this wasn't a thing but welcome to the Vortex). I need to go somewhere where I will never hear the phrase "unassisted homebirth", let alone vivid details of that horror. I need to go somewhere where, if someone finds out I'm depressive or fluid, there's a half-decent chance they won't freak out.
I need to meet people who have blood in their veins instead of poison.
I need to spread my wings and become more than a shell of a girl.
I need to go somewhere where the Young Marrieds aren't all PDA couples. I need to go somewhere where the twentysomething population isn't all Young Marrieds. I need to go somewhere where said Young Married ladytypes respect that I'm in a different place than they are and don't openly pity me for it or give extremely questionable advice on how to find my Person.
I need to meet people who don't have superiority complexes the size of frickin' Australia.
I need to meet people who I can openly talk with about what I'm reading and watching without trying to sidestep the darker elements. I need to meet people who have, if not a good understanding of mental illness, at least believe it exists. I need to meet people who, if I choose to let them see my scars, will not view me any differently for them.
This is not mere want anymore. This is what I have to do to survive.
I want to live a long life. Admittedly, that's unlikely because genetic predisposition towards cancer on the side we do know about and God only know what's in the other half of my bloodline (but that's a different post), but I want to. I want to be happy someday. And that's never going to happen if I stay where I was.
About a year ago, when these thoughts began to form, I was determined to bloom where I was planted. I'm realizing now that I can't do that anymore. Bad soil is bad soil no matter how much fertilizer one tries to add to it (I don't garden so forgive me if that's a bad metaphor but it sounds pretty even if it isn't true). If I stay in the Vortex much longer, I will lash out. I will become truly dangerous. I will become things I am not meant to be. So it's time. I'm being the better person here (not like it's much of a challenge). I'm walking away, and this time, this time I'm not looking back.
A bit more than a year ago, I was talking to someone online and they suggested that I really needed to get out of where I was. I told them I didn't have enough things worth running from. Their response: "What if you had something worth running to?". I'm hoping to find that something soon.
It's hard, doing this. The Vortex (which I will explain in vivid detail once this plan works out and I have found something better) is all I know. I don't know what a non-toxic religious environment feels like. There are so many uncertainties in this project, and more than that... I'm cutting off the majority of the people I know by doing it. Because by leaving the Vortex, This Time I Mean It, I'm leaving behind a whole flock of people who know not what they have done, who will never know because if their eyes haven't opened by now... well, I'm pretty sure God doesn't waste miracles on situations like that. And yet this is what I need to do for me.
2015 is going to be my year of dramatic necessary self-care. And I'm starting by cutting out everything I don't need, starting with the place and the group that has caused... maybe not the majority of my issues in general, but at least my terrible self-image and my burning fear that I will never be good enough. I deserve better than that. I've always deserved better. It's time for me to do something about that.
And for all of you reading this who are in that category of people I am leaving behind (and you know who you are) - don't act like you're surprised. I was never going to be the perfect bubble-minded girl you wanted me to be. But I'm real, and being real is so much better. I'm not judging any of you, really. If you want to continue to make your own bad life choices... we're human, we have free will, that's your problem not mine. I'm done trying to make any of you wake up. This is our ending.
Song of the day - "Sanctified", The Veronicas.
Yeah...sometimes, you just have to walk away. I look forward to reading how that has gone for you. You know...you ARE good enough. Just as you are. Trying to be good enough for other people, though...ouch! We will always fall short of someone's expectations.
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