It hit me this morning, as I was driving my little sister to work (all important realizations happen in my car), that my story is actually pretty awesome. Six months ago, I would not have been able to say that, but I guess I'm starting to realize that everything I've been through has made me a pretty amazing person. This whole self-confidence thing is still new and vaguely terrifying, but what gets me is that where I am right now is completely different from where I thought I'd be at this point in my life four years ago. It's also different from where everyone else thought it would be, and... honestly, it's a good place. Not quite my ideal scenario, but it's still beautiful.
That being said, there are a few things I would tell my seventeen-year-old self that would've made a lot of this so much easier. Most of them are very specific to situations I was in this time four years ago; some, however, are general life advice for the teenage girls who may or may not be reading this blog (and I know at least one of my sister's friends at least occasionally looks at this calamity so it's not a total waste of my time to write this up). You guys can figure out what's what. Here goes:
- That boy you think you love is going to betray you in a way you never thought possible because you don't yet know that mixed-gender friendships are even biologically possible. He is not in love with you, nor will he ever be. You are his quiet rebellion, nothing more, and the day you realize that will be one of the most painful days of your life. There is no way to brace for this sort of pain; you just need to fight through it.
- You are a SURVIVOR. These wars you fight with the world and yourself will only make you stronger. One day you will look back and understand the meanings of your scars.
- The darkness you feel sometimes has a name. You're going to get help for it after the first time you nearly let it take you. Eventually, sweet one, it's going to end completely for reasons that you won't understand at the time (and maybe you never will). You're still in for a very long three years, but you'll get through it.
- College is not your path. You already know this, but you're being good because it's what's expected of you and it's going to take missing finals week the spring of your second year because you're recovering from three days in a psych ward before anyone else agrees with you on this. That's going to be a turning point for you, and even your dad won't fight it too much.
- Speaking of which, as much as you hate him right now, you're going to end up having a better relationship with him than your mother. Maybe he's not a better person in the grand scheme of things, but he's very upfront. He doesn't manipulate people. Your mother... is probably not aware of all that she does, but that doesn't stop her from doing it. You'll learn to work around this.
- In general, working around problems is better than trying to solve them. At least when those problems are of the human variety. Humans cannot be fixed no matter how much you wish otherwise.
- You're going to realize that you think girls are pretty too, in a different way than boys are but still a significant way, and that's not going to be anywhere near as much of a battle as you initially think. Your little puppy crushes on girls are never going to be acted on, not like the things you feel for boys, but they're still a part of you. Attraction is what it is. Your Person is still probably a guy, but thinking that girl at work is really cute is still okay.
- You're going to get out of the Bubble. You're going to find the strength to assert yourself and put distance where it's needed and you're going to blossom so much once those people are not in your life on the regular.
- Despite what certain people say, you will not be the first girl of your era to get married. You will stand and watch as half of your era finds love in places you do not understand, you will be completely neutral on all of those situations, and life will go on. People will be cruel to you about your involuntary lone-wolf status, but you'll learn how to deal with them without causing a scene. You're the better person in those situations. You'll be okay.
- How neutral you are, however, will not affect the fact that you will still cry at some point during every wedding you attend. And there are going to be a lot of weddings.
- You already know that you will not get your first kiss by age eighteen. You will definitely not check off all of your physical firsts by twenty-one. You will learn to be... maybe not okay with that, but understanding of the fact that what lies ahead of you will make all of this awful waiting make sense.
- You're going to flutter for a lot more people. For a while, your type will remain "emotional range of a cactus and uses you for advice on wooing emotionally manipulative blonde pixies". Then it'll turn to "guys with sweet girlfriends who you usually know". Then... well, it's anyone's guess where the journey will lead from there, but despite the number of times you get your heart broken by boys who never even wanted you, you'll still have hope that your Person is out there somewhere.
- You're not what anyone wants you to be, but that's their loss.
- You're going to see elements of your story reflected in places you never would've expected and it's going to break your heart, but you're going to use that to get out. You are every bit as amazing as the fictional ladies you will cling to because real-life role models are impossible for you. Their stories will give you strength to keep writing yours.
- Someday the sappy love songs won't hurt. This will happen before you have someone in your life who gives them meaning. It's weird, but it's also really awesome.
- Domesticity isn't the horror story you think it is now. You're going to change your mind about eventual marriage and tiny humans and it's going to have nothing to do with your background and everything to do with your blossoming sense of self.
- Your awkward phase is going to die a dramatic death on New Year's Eve when you get bored and shave your head. That's another turning point, another new beginning.
- You are a SURVIVOR. Those four words need to be repeated over and over and over because they are so true. You are a SURVIVOR and all of the bad things that have happened to you, all of the bad things that will happen to you, will only make you that much stronger. You are a phoenix; rise and rise again from your ashes, each time that much more glorious.
Song of the day - "This Is What Makes Us Girls", Lana Del Rey.
No comments:
Post a Comment